To be clear, this is not a “pro-life” argument, nor is it a “pro-choice” one. It is sad to me, that so much deliberation and legislature is needed to decide when it is legal to terminate human life. The truth is, no one knows which side they actually stand on until they come face to face with it. Nor, in my opinion, should anyone be allowed to vote on it (male or female), unless they have stared this horrific decision in the face themselves. I am sharing our story to help anyone who is currently facing the unimaginable decision of pregnancy termination.
Our nightmare began December 16th, 2024 at 9:32am. At 12 weeks, 5 days into our 3rd (surprise) pregnancy (well 5th pregnancy – but we won’t go there today) – we were inching out of the 1st trimester “danger zone”, when my OB called with news I never thought I’d receive. She said that our NIPT (an early pregnancy chromosome screening test) came back high-risk for Trisomy 18. The PPV (Positive Predictive Value) was 95% and the FF (Fetal Fraction) was >30%…more on these numbers later. Trisomy 18 is a chromosome abnormality where the baby has an extra copy of the 18th chromosome. For reference, Down Syndrome is Trisomy 21, where baby has an extra 21st chromosome. T18 however, is worse, much worse than T21. Babies with T18 are considered incompatible with life. They can have up to 130 abnormalities and deformities. The vast majority of them are still-born in the 2nd or 3rd trimester. The small percentage that make it out breathing, usually pass away within minutes, hours, days or weeks. The problems these babies have are not usually repairable. It is considered a fatal diagnosis.
I will never forget this phone call, nor the next several weeks, for the rest of my life.
My OB referred me to a Fetal Specialist who was able to get us in the same day. After spending 4 hours in her office, she was confident our baby does in fact have Trisomy 18. At this appointment she was able to perform 1 of the only 2 diagnostic tests when the baby is in utero, called CVS. She explained that this test would only confirm the diagnosis. We had 2 paths forward: continue a doomed pregnancy, or terminate the baby’s life. She spent the better half of that 4 hour appointment steering us towards termination. She even sent the “very compassionate termination clinic” she referred people to, MY phone number. My husband was holding his Rosary during this appointment, praying that this was a mistake, or for God to perform a miracle. She noticed we were religious and asked what we thought our Faith had to do with this decision. We told her were just not sure if taking our baby’s life was our call to make. She responded that maybe it was God who was presenting this “way out” for us. I didn’t know much of anything at that moment, but I did know that GOD was absolutely not the one presenting us with the option to kill our baby. A few words to describe my mental state coming out of this appointment: grieving, terrified, shattered.
Upon returning home, faced with the decision to terminate, or continue this pregnancy into the unknown, the proceeding 4 days were the darkest days of my life. I call them my “Hell Days” because they were the closest to Hell I have ever been, and hopefully ever will be. The journey I am about to take you on are the nuts and bolts of our story. It is dark and may be uncomfortable to read.
Lost, depressed, and grieving, over these next few days, I could not eat, I could not sleep, I could not go 20 minutes without crying. I was depressed. I didn’t want to leave my bedroom. I am so thankful for my mother-in-law, who came over multiple days in a row to help take care of my children, when I was incapable. I became physically ill induced by stressed, and puked all day one of the Hell Days. One of the Hell Days, I spent the entire 24 hours in bed, in the dark, with nothing to eat, only to get up to pee. Over these Hell Days, I talked with our closest family, friends, and most importantly, I talked abundantly with God.
I had so many questions. Dark ones, sad ones. #1. Is it truly my “right” to kill my baby? The law says it is, but what does God say? #2. Could I really hold my dead baby in my arms? #3. Is MY life at risk by continuing this pregnancy? #4. Would I need another c-section only to take out a still born baby? #5. If my children see their dead baby sister, how would it affect them? How would we explain this to them? How would I explain it to them if I killed their sister instead? #6. If our baby is born alive, will she be in pain? #7. What if she does survive and needs medical intervention for the rest of her life? #8. Am I really brave enough to continue this pregnancy knowing it is doomed? Lastly, this one is really vain…#9. Why would I want to go through pregnancy, delivery and have to lose my baby weight all over AGAIN for a DEAD baby? The list goes on, but these were the primary questions I had. It looked like we were walking out of this with a dead baby either way. I am not going to lie, termination was looking attractive. It was the path of least resistance. I wanted this nightmare to be over. I wanted to move on and try to get pregnant again with a healthy baby. I wanted the easy way out. At one point my best friend reminded me that on exactly no page in the Bible does God ask any of his people to take the easy way out. Noted.
Over these Hell Days, I received answers to my questions from friends, family, God and my OB. We have a family member who is generally considered “pro-life”, but more importantly, she is a Christian who talks the talk AND walks the walk. As we know, that is hard to find these days. I suppose I have never been staunchly one side or the other of the abortion debate. I believe if it is going to be legal, there should absolutely be a limit on it. It makes me sick that the most recent law in my state just expanded abortion from 15 weeks to 24 weeks. I don’t know how that is not considered murder. Otherwise, I have simply never put myself in the position to want an abortion.
Something told me I needed to call this particular family member. I think I wanted someone who was considered “pro-life” to tell me it was OK to terminate. Afterall, this was not some elective abortion for an unwanted baby, this was a major MEDICAL problem. Surely she would understand that. Well, she did not. She did not tell me what I wanted to hear. She told me that I could NOT kill my baby. I could not poison her to death and have her suctioned out of me piece by piece. My heart sunk. Not only is this not what I wanted to hear, I certainly did not want to be reminded of how it happens. She did however, remind me of something that began changing the course of my life at that moment. She reminded me that no matter the outcome of my pregnancy, God would carry us through. He would be there every step of the way. He would protect me and my family. He would protect my life and make sure I was safe and alive. He would have a miracle coming to us one way or another, in his own time. She reminded me that one decision would bring us further away from God, while the other would bring us closer to God. I had to agree – the thought of terminating my pregnancy made me question whether I could EVER face God again. If you have someone in your life like this, a family member, friend, a parishioner, or pastor, I strongly suggest talking with them. It could change the course of your life.
By now, some people may be thinking, 13 weeks? That is not a baby, that is a fetus, an embryo or a “clump of cells”. I get sick of hearing this on the pro-choice side of the debate. This is my 3rd child. I have seen each of my babies on the monitor at this exact timeframe. I have seen this baby on the monitor 3 times by now. Our jumping jelly bean had a head, 2 arms, 2 legs, fingers, toes, kidneys, lungs, a brain, eyes, ears, a nose – and most importantly – a beating heart. She was as wiggly as can be. This is a baby and is objective reality for anyone who has working eyeballs.
I began to separate the answers to my questions into categories of “temporary” and “permanent”. The answers were as follows: #1. Yes, the law says it is my “right” to kill my baby, but Gods commandment says “Thou Shall Not Kill”. This instruction seems black and white. The commandment does not read “Thou Shall Not Kill…unless it is a matter of extreme inconvenience!”. Could you imagine if God said that? I would have killed so many people by now! This would be a decision I would have to live with for the rest of my life. I would have to face God, repent and seek reconciliation. Would he forgive me? Yes. Could I forgive myself? I don’t know: permanent. #2. Yes. I could hold my dead baby in my arms. We would cherish every second we got to hold her, hug her, kiss her and be with her AND I could do so with a clear conscious. I could hold her and love her knowing that she did not die by my hands, but by Gods. I marked this as physically temporary, yet spiritually permanent. #3. After talking with my OB, she stated that my life was not any more at risk than any other pregnancy which ends in still birth, or a baby with abnormalities. We would be monitored closer, but generally speaking, my life was not at higher risk carrying a T18 baby. Great: temporary. #4. Yes, I would likely need another c-section if the pregnancy carried into the 2nd/3rd trimester. UGH. Being out of commission for 2 months when I have mouths to feed, bodies to dress, needs to meet??? This answer was very upsetting, but nonetheless: temporary. #5. Navigating this one was tough. Yes, our kids would likely remember having a dead baby sister. I am sure we would celebrate her memory on her birthday, talk about her from time to time and look at pictures. Also, in the future when they go through their own trials and tribulations, how could I possibly look them in the eyes and tell them to put their full faith in God, when I did not? This is called hypocrisy and I cannot stand hypocrites. Not to mention, our kids hit the jackpot in life. They were born into a loving, protective, faith-filled family. We are by no means rich, but these kids will never truly NEED for anything. Maybe a little hardship could be beneficial for them. Somehow, I started becoming assured that this part would become the miracle God planned, somewhere down the line: permanent. #6. I could not stand the thought of this one. My tiny, tiny baby being in PAIN? My OB informed me that these babies are generally not in pain when they are born, as this condition is all they know. The pain usually comes with medical intervention, i.e. surgeries. My husband and I discussed that if we continued the pregnancy and our baby was born alive, we would likely only provide medical comfort care, we would probably not subject her to painful surgeries that usually do not correct the abnormalities these babies have: temporary. #7. This one was also a hard pill to swallow. Naturally, I joined many T18 Facebook, Reddit and other online groups/forums. To my surprise, I came in contact with many families who had T18 babies that survived into toddler/elementary years. Every. Single. One. viewed their child as a blessing. A BLESSING?! An unhealthy, medically challenged, high-maintenance and probably temporary child is a BLESSING? Yes, I started to believe this too: permanent. #8. I consider myself somewhere within the realm of “brave”, but this – this type of courage seemed unimaginable. This is where my bible came in. I read many of my favorite verses. Specifically, one of my all-time favorites – Ephesians 6:10 “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes”. Was I strong enough to put on the armor God has presented me with? I have been for the preceding 39 years of my life, but this is a tall ask, God!! This is heavy armor. Also, I am not indicating that my doctor is the devil, but I do think she is unknowingly working as a tool for the devil. Who else in the universe coerces and entices you to kill your own baby? This decision to be strong and courageous and trust in God would be: permanent. Finally #9. Ugh, this one sucked. Carrying a baby, delivering her and losing my baby weight again, for the THIRD time – for a dead baby? Well, carrying a baby is temporary. Delivering, also temporary. Losing my baby weight again? I have done it twice. It was HARD, but I can do it again: temporary.
After analyzing all of my questions, I realized that all of the physical issues were temporary and the spiritual issues were permanent. I realized I was not in a physical war, I was in a spiritual one. The physical components were merely battles, the war was spiritual. What did I want to win, the battle or the war?
I woke up on Hell Day #4 with a sliver of peace. I decided I could not kill anyone, let alone my own baby, healthy or not. I decided God’s commandment not to kill was clear. I decided to put on the armor of God and go to war. We would continue this pregnancy into the unknown. It was going to be a terrible time in our lives, but I had faith that the miracle would come eventually. I haven’t mentioned my husband much, as this is my account of my journey. We were often on the same page, asking the same questions, praying the same prayers, and talking to the same God. He went through his own set of emotions and soul searching. I never would have done anything he did not agree with, and he never would have encouraged me to do something I did not want to do. Continuing the pregnancy was a unanimous decision and the proceeding several months/years would be also. I called the “compassionate pregnancy termination” center to cancel the appointment they reserved for me for the very next day.
This was the morning of the 4th Hell Day after receiving this devastating news. By this same afternoon, around 3pm – the Fetal Specialist called. The results of the CVS were back – and they were: normal. WAIT….WHAT???? You told me that this test would only confirm this diagnosis! She was confused, I was confused. Back to those numbers at the beginning….my NIPT blood test had a 95% PPV – this means that the lab was 95% confident in it’s accuracy. It had a FF of greater than 30%. FF is the probability that it is in fact the baby cells that are being tested and not moms. For whatever reason, the highest number for a FF is 30, and our results were > 30. These numbers were through the roof. How is it possible that the CVS test came back normal??? She told me she was not sure but not to do anything “irreversible” quite yet. HA – Yeah, thanks lady… 4 days ago you were pushing us towards termination.
Though still confused, hopeless and doubtful, something felt like this was God immediately thanking us for choosing to continue our baby’s life that same morning. Based on the numbers from the NIPT, this doctor and I agreed that amniocentesis should be performed. This is the only other diagnostic DNA test that can be performed with a baby in utero. CVS is considered diagnostic, but in rare cases – placenta cells, which is what the CVS tests, and baby cells may not match. Amnio tests the amniotic fluid which is apparently always a 100% match to baby DNA. Amniocentesis cannot be performed until 16-18 weeks, which means I had an excruciating 3-5 more weeks of having no idea if my baby was healthy or would be deformed and die. The wait for amnio was terrible. I describe these weeks as feeling like I was floating somewhere between heaven and hell. I could not move forward, I could only stay in one space. On one hand, I could have a perfectly normal, happy, healthy, beautiful baby growing in me, on the other I had a doomed life growing in me. Not knowing which, was another form of Hell. I did my very best to put on a brave face and rely on God to get me through each day.
Finally, at 17 weeks and 5 days the specialist was able to safely perform amniocentesis. Many women say this procedure was painful. The doctor inserts a large, long needle into your abdomen, through the amniotic sack and pulls out vile(s) of fluid, without rupturing anything or puncturing the baby. I was so concerned with getting an answer, and unconcerned with the pain, that I felt nothing. Within a week the full amniocentesis results were in. Our baby had perfect 46, XX chromosomes. Not one more or one less. I will never be able to explain the feelings that ensued this test result, other than praising and thanking God for the miracle we prayed SO HARD for and that He granted.
In addition to two diagnostic results, our baby has been scanned at least 20 times by the Fetal Specialist office. Not one abnormality has been seen. As I sit here writing this, I am 36 weeks pregnant, within one month of meeting our miracle baby. Many people asked us why we were still seeing this doctor. It was tough to continue seeing her. I trusted almost nothing she said. I did try to give her grace, as I understand things looked really bad in the beginning. But I stuck with her for two reasons – I trusted her skill level in performing the risky tests needed and more importantly, I wanted her to see this through. I wanted her to see the miracles that faith can achieve. I wanted her to change her conversations with women. I wanted her to think twice next time a woman walks into her office with a test result like mine. I want her to simply give that woman her options – NOT steer her toward the dark path of abortion. In honesty, I wanted her to change her faith system (or lack there-of) but I know that’s a tall ask. Based on all of the online forums I have joined and people across the world I have spoken to, this conduct by doctors is common. On the internet, I spoke to dozens of women who were encouraged, even harassed into termination. In real life, I spoke to 12 women who were told by their doctors that their babies would not survive and that they should terminate. ALL of who turned out perfectly fine! I began thinking, what happened to the “choice” part of “pro-choice”? Sounds like they should rename it “pro-termination”. I cannot imagine how many healthy babies have been killed across time and across the globe. These are DOCTORS. Surely they are aware of the statistics that show drug-abuse, alcohol-abuse, depression and even suicide skyrocket amongst women who have abortions. Who are THEY to tell a woman what is best for HER? To be honest, this nightmare would have been a tiny bit easier if the option of termination was not even on the table in my state.
One way or another – God saved our baby. Whether this was a lab error, miraculous healing, or some other medical explanation, it was our faith in God that stopped me from going through with an abortion. It was divine intervention when God told me to call the family member who helped me put my full trust in Him.
If you are still reading this…
I assume that you have been where I have or are there currently. It is not lost on me that we are one of the lucky false-positive cases. I hope that there is something that I said, that I went through, or that resonated with you – that helps you make this impossible decision. It is a situation that I wish on no one. If I can help further or if you have any questions I can answer please do not hesitate to reach out, my email address is below. You will be lifted up in my prayers every day for the rest of my life.
Ashley Duran, ashley@setinstonerealty.com