Saying Goodbye to our baby girl


I was 12 1/2 weeks when my OB told me from our NIPT results that our baby had a 91% chance of having Trisomy 18. After countless appointments and ultrasounds it was confirmed she had FULL trisomy 18. After learning about her diagnosis, a couple days later we went in for an ultrasound and they found a lot of fluid surrounding her brain and body. We had many doctors tell us she would not make it to term, and they didn’t think she would make it much longer. Our OB also explained to us that with full Trisomy 18 our baby did not have a chance of surviving especially with all the results that they were seeing. They told us we had two options, either medically terminating our very wanted pregnancy, or carrying on. We also have a two year old daughter so this decision we did not take lightly. Not only is this decision impossible to make, but we had a time limit. We live in a state where we would not be able to medically terminate our baby after 15 weeks. By the time we learned of all our decisions and had appointments made, I was already 14 weeks.

We went in for the consult at the clinic, and I am so sad to say that they made us feel very alone. They made me feel like my very wanted daughter meant nothing. We didn’t have many choices since we were on a time limit, and this was the only clinic that could get us in before 15 weeks. The clinic made us aware that I (mother) would not be aloud to have my husband hold my hand during or after the procedure. That after they would take me into the room he would not see me until after recovery. After discussing with my husband of what we should do, we decided to medically terminate our baby girl. The day we went in for the procedure, my heart was in my stomach. I held my stomach tightly waiting 6 hours in the waiting room for them to call my name. Praying that our baby would be okay and not hurt, and that I could get through this. When they took me back into the room I sobbed loudly, doing what they asked me to do. I laid there waiting for the 5 minute procedure to be done, yet it felt like hours. After the procedure, I can’t explain the void and sadness that we were feeling. But, we knew she was no longer suffering and we knew she was in Heaven. We continue to receive counseling to help us deal with the pain and loss we have went through.

We decided to not tell others of how our daughter went to Heaven, because it is so hard to know if someone will judge you based on the decision of your own child. No matter what decision anyone makes in regards to their baby, it should not be for anyone to say but their own. As parents, it is hard enough to make this decision and we don’t need others to tell us the “wrong” or “right” decision, especially if they have never had to make this type of choice. Our lives will forever be changed from Trisomy 18, but we will always keep our baby girl in our hearts.

We miss her every day, and we always look at her handprints and footprints that she left behind. After we received her ashes, we threw a remembrance to celebrate the time we did have with her. Saying goodbye early to our baby girl was the most difficult choice we had to make, but we have peace knowing she did not have to feel the pain and suffering that came with full Trisomy 18.

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