The words “I’m pregnant” were the scariest words to ever come out of my mouth. This was my first pregnancy and I was terrified to tell my boyfriend. I would pick up the phone and begin dialing his number only to hang up. I finally found the courage to let him know. To my dismay he was excited. My boyfriend already had a son who was 11. I was concerned with the age difference and blended families but my boyfriend reassured me everything was going to be ok.
As the months went by we became even more excited. We started debating names and buying things for the nursery. I would go to the doctor once a month for my checkup. Things looked great. I was gaining weight adn the doctor said everything was going as expected. I had my first ultrasound at 16 weeks. We found out it was going to be a boy. We were elated. We went home that evening and picked out the name Justyce. We started buying everything blue. We would lay in bed and dream about who Justyce would look like. I had a baby shower when I was 32 weeks. We both were very excited to see all the neat gifts family and friends bought. We went home quickly after the baby shower to finish the nursery. We would just stare into the room and closet and admire all the gifts our Justyce had. At this point in my pregnancy my doctor visits became every week. Still up to this point the doctors were never concerned for the baby or me. I remember at the 36 week checkup was different. The doctor mentioned he wanted me to come back in a few days for another ultrasound. At this point neither of us thought anything of it. The day arrived for us to have our second ultrasound and all we were thinking was “Yes more pictures of Justyce.” When the ultrasound tech began to put the cold jelly on my stomach we could hear a strong heartbeat. Justyce had all ten fingers and toes, both arms and legs. We thought he looked perfect. As I began to get up from the table the tech told me the baby was very small and that something was wrong with his brain. Our hearts dropped to our feet at this point. We were in shock. We kept saying “there must be some mistake.” We were told to speak to the doctor in 30 minutes. The doctor told us that something was wrong with our baby but she didn’t know what. She wanted us to see a specialtist. An appointment was made for us at 1pm the same day. The specialtist wanted us to have an amniocentesis. We were very scared but willing to do whatever to find out what was going on. After this test was performed the specialtist told us they were testing for trisomy 18, trisomy 13, and trisomy 21. At this point after the test I was contracting way too much and was admitted into the hospital. The next day we had family and friends at the hospital with us waiting on the results. We had done so much research on all the conditions in just that one day. We were preparing ourselves for the worst and hoping for down syndrome (trisomy 21). The doctor came in and told us it was trisomy 18. We immediately began crying. To know that your 36 weeks pregnant and just found out that your child is not going to live was devastating to all. At this point all of this was very confusing for us. I could feel my baby move all the time. We cried so much until our next doctors appointment which was 1 week later. This appointment was not very exciting to us. The doctor at this point explained to us that our justyce was going to die. We could have him vaginally or C-section. If vaginally he would die immediately and with c-section he would live maybe a 2 hours. My boyfriend and I at this point were very distraught. Do we deliver regular and not hold our justyce alive or do we have a c-section and spend what little time we have with him loving him? We decided on c-section. It was scheduled in 5 days. We both were very scared and nervous at the same time. Justyce arrived at 1:58 pm. When they placed him in my arms I knew what a mothers love felt like. I didn’t think I could ever love someone so much. He was 3lbs 6.5 oz. and 16 in long. The time we had with him was a true blessing. Our immediate family members were able to hold and love him. Justyce passed at 3:15 pm in his daddys arms. This day was the happiest and saddest of our lives. To love a child and lose him the same day was beyond imagine. We were able to spend time with justyce after he passed bathing him. Our son was loved and will be missed deeply. Our sweet Justyce is in heaven now where he has no pain. There he will live forever and here in our hearts he will live forever. I’m alright mom and dad.
SEPTEMBER 10 , 2015
Today you’re six. For some reason, It gets a little harder each year. I suppose I’m just bitter. I’m never going to see you grow older. I’m never going to see your face change. I’m never going to see you cry or be happy. I’m never going to see you play soccer. But, I am going to see you when I get old. So will your dad and you awesome brother and sister. I know it’s a long wait…just be patient. Well be with you. I love you. Happy birthday.
September 10, 2016
Well, that day is here again. No easier this year. I think about you so much as your birthday comes around each year. I feel like I’m missing out and it breaks my heart. The big 7 you would be today. Just keep waiting sweet boy. When we meet in heaven I will not leave your side. Rest easy my Justyce Shane Iles.
September 10, 2017
Happy Birthday day Mr. 8 year old. It’s hard to believe this much time has gone by. I think about you all day on this day, and let me tell you it doesn’t get any easier. Your brother and sister are great. One day they will be old enough to understand the story of their sweet older brother. This year hasn’t been the best for me, and sometimes I wonder if you were here things would be different! I need you in my corner up there. Rest easy baby. In time we shall meet again! ❤️
September 10th 2018
Happy birthday to my sweet boy. You are nine years old today. Every year is the same as the next. I dread this day in my calendar. I’m happy that you are at peace. Soon I will cradle you in my hands the way a mother should. Until then. ❤️
September 10th 2019
Sweet boy of mine! You would be 10yrs old today. Things are crazy in our house! 3 dogs. Your brother and sister. Your dad! I think I may be the only sane one. I think of you all day on September 10th. It’s so hard not to. I try to keep myself busy but I still get sad. You would be so cool, I can see you now, fitting in with this crazy family you left behind! We will be with you one day! You’re in a much better place than we are. You’re safe. We have to worry about everything. Going to the mall, the movies, even going to school. But, you’re the one I don’t worry about.
Just wait patiently. I will see you soon. Life is short. Rest peaceful. My sweet 1st baby!
Happy Birthday
Mommy 9/10/19
September 10th 2020
You’re 11 today! Things are crazy in our life right now. I’m actually glad you’re not apart of this disgusting world at this point in my life. I’m happy that you’re safe and I don’t have to worry. That’s all I do is worry about your brother and sister. I can’t stand all of the what if’s I have so many questions for you it’s crazy! I just want to know how you would look right now. I want to know your touch, hugs, smell, voice! I feel like I’m missing out and you were taken from me without me having a say so and it makes me angry! I think about you every night, I dream of you. In time we will walk together on happiness and I can’t wait! Happy Birthday sweet sweet boy. I’m sorry I didn’t get more time with you.
September 10, 2021
To my sweet angel baby:
Today was rough for me, especially this morning. I try to prepare myself for this day (the night before) but I have to be happy because it’s your sisters birthday. Lots have changed since you were born, this world is crazy and sometimes I think you are safer up there.
I think about you often and miss you every day. You’re 12 years old today, I can only imagine what your face would look like. I’m sure it would be just as beautiful as your brother and sisters. They are crazy by the way. I want you to have the best birthday party heavenly possible, I don’t know where you’re at or what you’re doing but whatever you are doing and wherever you are I hope it’s beautiful and peaceful. Watch over us until we get there. There’s nothing like losing a baby, but I want you to know that every time I look at your brother and sister I think about you being with them. Rest peacefully baby, happy birthday.
Love,
Your Mommy.
September 10th 2022
Justyce,
Today you would’ve been 13 years old. Right now we are in Florida celebrating your sister’s 12th birthday. Your little bother is 9. He’s an amazing athlete. I have a feeling you would have been too. London can handle her own pretty much. I don’t think you would have to do much sticking up for her. I miss you just as much this year as all the years before. I wonder what you would look like right now. I wonder what sports you would like. I miss the thought of you every day. Being able to write on you legacy page brings me peace on this day.
The world is still nuts down here. You’re not missing anything. Stay safe up above. Rest easy and wait for us. I’m time we’ll all meet again they say. I love you now and forever.
-Mom
September 10, 2023
Sweet Justyce,
Today you’re 14. 14 years that I have always wondered how you would be and what you would look like. This day doesn’t get any easier for me. I try to prepare myself for it but it never works.
Your dad came close to joining you recently. We were all pretty worried about him. Broken necks are not for the weak that’s for sure. Your sister is growing right behind you. She’s 13. She’s going to grow up to be a good person I hope. Seems like we have her on the right track. Your littler Brother is a beast at wrestling, he loves football too. You would love him. It crushes me that I couldn’t keep you. It’s just not fair and it makes me angry. Being where you’re at puts me at ease. The world sucks. It’s weird, people aren’t normal.
I dream of you, your smell, the way your voice would sound, how tall you would be, what sports you would be good at. I hope you know that I love you just as much now, as the day I gave birth to you. It’s different for a mother, the hole never leaves. Rest easy in Heaven sweet boy. Happy 14th birthday. Hugs tonight in our dreams.
September 10, 2024
Justyce,
Happy heavenly birthday. Today you would’ve been 15. The world is just as crazy now as it was last year. Things are starting to move slower for me. I think about you often. What could’ve been, how you would fit in with the family. I think about how you would look, how you would sound, who you would look most like. If you would get along better with your sister or your brother…They are also doing great. It’s never easy to lose one of your children, but there really is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. I see the tattoo engraved on my ribs every day, the pictures of your face in our bedroom. Constant reminders of what could’ve been. I feel like each year that goes by, I’m more at peace knowing that you are in such a better place. I’m not sure if there is a Heaven or a Hell but I want to believe that you are floating and dancing in the light of the Lord. That brings me peace. You being safe brings me peace. Until we meet again, with all my love….happy happy birthday.
-Mom